Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
