I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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