When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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