you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
