Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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