I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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