I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Drunk is not a location!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
