last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize