yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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