Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
