Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
