paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
