ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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