she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
