I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
