i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
should my penis look like a turkey
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize