**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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