i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
