My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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