Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
