Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
