I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
