What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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