Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
bring money and cleavage
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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