so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
