Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
