He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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