I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
