I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
