I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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