When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
