my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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