Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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