I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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