I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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