4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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