i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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