I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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