my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
