I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
