nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
