Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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