What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
