I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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