i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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