i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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