What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
