You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
