I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize