Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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