I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Can I color on your dick again?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
