I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
