Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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