no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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