My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
