just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
