You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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