bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
