I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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